Sample Script Notes - $149 Service "I'm Old and I Wanna Die"
Section 1: Concept This concept, a “Superbad” meets “The Bucket List”, or a “72-Year Old Virgin,” if you will, is interesting—almost a self-aware concept, like a spoof. I’m not sure that it’s all that commercial. You’ll have issues casting the old people, especially since the roles are so lacking in dignity. I don’t think Dame Judi Dench would be interested in the role of the farting Carolyn. I also wonder about the audience for such a movie. Old people won’t enjoy the movie, (and they’ll probably be scared off by the title) middle aged people like me with parents in precarious health would probably not be interested, and of course, the kids have that new Twilight movie to watch. So unless you get a perverse, ultra-risk taking producer who wants to rub society’s noses in the sexual adolescence of old people, I think this script is commercially DOA. That doesn’t mean, however, that it can’t work as a sample script, or calling card. There are many scripts out there that get writers a lot of work, that will never see production, but capture the imagination of the readers by their sheer outlandishness. I think this could be such a script, and since the concept has no commercial use, I would suggest you use it as such—a display case for your talent.
In order to better display those talents, we need to zero in on the concept a touch more than you currently do. You need to deal with the reality that you create, and build a bridge from that reality to ours. For instance, septuagenarian sexuality is not believed to be common in our reality. You take it for granted in yours. Build a bridge here. Why are these old guys so horny? Viagra? Is there something in the water? Is it a special old age home that works the libido? Does it work on the women as well, and if not, what is their reaction to this inappropriateness in their husbands’ pants? Try out a few of these questions, and come up with a rock hard (sorry) and funny reason that these guys need to get laid so badly. Or, if you prefer, just have Losson be the sexually active one, because of his relationship with Joanna, and the other old folks are mystified that this is still an issue, but they decide to help him by setting him up sexually, and they wind up coming back to life themselves, (which is a more magic-realism concept, and would totally sell in Europe, ala Calendar Girls.) Whatever you think you need to do, do it, but build this bridge. Because the last time I walked into an old folks home, it was depressing and smelled like pee. This is not your world, nor should it be, but you need to bridge that gap.
Once you’ve done that, the screenplay can proceed as written, but I would focus more on the friendship between Jebediah/Herbert and Losson. (Great names all around, by the way.) Herbert and Losson are the emotional touchstone of this movie, as is the case with most of those “Let’s get my buddy laid” movies. Have Herbert drag Losson into these situations, and when the situations play out, have them get into trouble. This is the true weakness of your concept; one event doesn’t necessarily lead to higher stakes. You could also go a little further with the hijinks that they get into. Have Losson and Herbert invade a frat party and challenge the younger dudes. Get them in a hot tub with naked women, or spying on a skinny-dipping party, and then getting caught. Strip poker. Cruising for chicks. Dealing Viagra in the halls, doing the whole pimp thing.
When these things play out, Herbert and Losson get in trouble with the old age home, with their families, with the other women in the home, and that makes their lives more difficult. It seems like after each misadventure, they’re back at square one. They should be off the fucking board, and the vacuum cleaners coming to suck them into the bag with all the cat hair and shit. Raise the stakes and make these adventures a crucial part of their story, and that will strengthen your concept and make this a more enjoyable read.
Section 2: Characters Losson is a very sympathetic character, and Abraham is funny. I also liked the grandkid, who kept getting embarrassed by Abraham. Xavier and Carolyn got a lot of humor derived from their horrible, horrible marriage. But your women are weak all around. Sarah and Emily’s sub plot is not interesting, primarily because Sarah and Emily are not interesting. I would suggest making Emily one of those chirpy people who thinks that her positive outlook should extend to everyone. Then, when she takes all the people out on dates, she is the only one who can’t get any action. Carolyn passively takes the abuse. And Debbie—I don’t know what her situation is, or why they’re in the home (when they could be at their own home, looking out for each other.) Debbie is a true and utter cipher. Beth was the only woman who relentlessly pursued an agenda, and she was a total bitch. Jane gives up way too easily, and then wins way too easily. She never has to fight for her man—she just waits ‘til he shoots himself, and swoops in.
But once again, I want to focus on Losson and Herbert. Their friendship is the thing that keeps Losson alive, the thing that makes life worth living. Think about it—he doesn’t kill himself when his son dies, or when his wife dies—but when Whatever-His-Name-Is” dies, he decides that life is not worth living. This had better be a huuuuuuge relationship, forged in the fires of their attempts to get Losson laid. Make Herbert and Losson opposites in some way that relates to the theme. For instance, Losson is hard-up, and Herbert is a priest. Losson is straight and horny and Herbert is gay and celibate. Losson wants to die, Herbert wants to live it all down to the last second. Then when Herbert says “Let’s get you laid,” Losson has reason to resist beyond “I don’t feel like it,” which is whiny. Losson instead can say something like “You’re gay. What do you know about picking up women?” of “Life is not a game. I’ve lost all I’m going to lose.” Now you have the characters and their motivations tied to the theme and you can let the argument play out, secure in the knowledge that it’s all strengthening the story.
Section 3: Theme The theme seems to be “Anything is possible.” To work that theme, you need a strong character who believes that life is all about the limits you live within, while another character thinks that life should have no limits. If Losson becomes the former, and life has deprived him of the sweetest joy he’s known, then the limits he’s lived within become his coffin. Herbert should be the latter, and live life to the fullest—only to realize at the last minute that he’s about to hit life’s only limit—death. This leaves Losson with his own realization—that death is life’s only limit, and beyond that, anything is possible. This is all very heady stuff, but it’s only background. You should be aware of it, however, and write your scenes with the theme as a weathervane. This is why I have a problem with Losson trying to kill himself—but I’ll get to that in my discussion of Act 3.
Section 4: Style Your style seems to be someone trying his best to stay out of the way of the story, which is good in a screenplay. But every once in awhile you throw in a bomb that seems contrived to outrage. It may be funny, (all I could think was, “My man Jordan thinks a lot of his jizz. I think a crusty towel is jizz worthy.”) but you run the risk of taking the reader right out of the script and narrative, and focus instead on who the hell this writer is. This could undo all the effort that you put into staying out of the way. Use these bombs of yours very wisely—for instance don’t use them to describe characters, use them instead to describe action in a climactic (sorry) scene. That way, at least the comic outrage feeds a scene, instead of distracting. Another aspect of your style that I would work on is getting rid of all passive verbs. “Is holding” (passive) versus “holds” (active.) For instance, you describe Losson on pg 1 as “He stands on a roof with a revolver pointing to his head, ready to commit suicide.” First off, the scene heading is EXT. ROOF, so you don’t need “on a roof” at all. “On the edge” or “looking over the edge at the street below”, would work better if you really want to reinforce the fact that he’s on the roof. “Points a revolver” versus “a revolver pointing” and be specific re; head. Temple, maybe? So, “Losson peers sadly over the edge at the street two stories down, points a revolver to his head.” gets the point across with active language, and reveals more info, without a qualifying non-visual phrase like “ready to commit suicide.” Also, we no know the roof is two stories high, so when he falls in act 3, it’s no surprise that he survives.
Style evolves over time, and the more you write, the better able you are to successfully navigate it. For now, just start thinking about losing all the “ing” words you can.
Section 5: Act I As I said previously, you need to build a bridge for us to get the action going. You have a nice teaser you start us off with, then the brain hemorrhage. Not the best way to start a wacky comedy. But then you start to get into comic gear with the poker game, and all the male characters are funny. I was uncertain about the cross-cutting with Emily and Sarah, and I thought “This will pay off later,” and it never did. Why are we focusing on Emily and Sarah and why are we cross-cutting, as though the poker game and the reunion were somehow related? Clean all this up. I recommend the Blake Snyder Beat Sheet, which asks for an opening image (preferably not one so dismal) a set-up, and a catalyst or inciting incident. The set-up would be the bridge that I was referring to earlier, and you don’t really have an inciting incident. I guess you could argue Joanna’s death is an inciting incident, but because it doesn’t really propel the action, it seems more set up to me. What happens, specifically, that makes Herbert say “We gotta get this guy laid.”
Then, re; Blake Snyder, the debate; “Why can’t I just stay in my room?” This is the section where Herbert insists and Lossen resists. Problem to avoid—don’t make Herbert the main character. Lossen has to make the decision to get back on the horse. Don’t take up too much time with Sarah and Emily, unless they beome more intrinsic to the plot.
Section 6: Act II My big note with Act 2? Where is Herbert? He goes missing throughout most of this act, only showing up at the end to provide some instant conflict with Beth. You also spend a lot of time with Jane and her missed connections, and then Jane disappears. In this section, there should be many desperate and hilarious attempts to get back in the swing of things, which wind up disastrously for Herbert and Losson, but which bring them closer as friends. The result is they meet Beth. Beth and Losson’s courtship should be much faster (read “fewer pages”) and should get to the “I love you”s much sooner. I feel like the end of the second act should be Herbert’s discovery, not merely the “I love yous.” But now, Herbert has an issue—he has to get Losson out of this mess. Losson has to shut him down but fast, or Herbert risks becoming the main character. (This may not be a bad idea, actually, but that’s up to you.) At any rate, keep the focus on Herbert and Losson. Beth is the trouble with living life to its fullest—sometimes, you get hurt. Herbert has led Losson to this point, and Losson is furious at Herbert as he puts on the brakes, because all this was his idea to begin with.
Section 7: Act III This Act should be urgent and fast, using all the set up you’ve already done. Make Losson active. For instance, currently Beth tells Losson it’s over. She explains everything to him. Booooo-ring. Instead, have Losson track Beth down, discover the husband and family, confront Beth, (in a funny way) realize that Herbert was right, go back to Herbert, and he finds Herbert dead. Herbert died doing something for Losson, like leave the clue that Losson used to track Beth down. As it is, Herbert’s death is sad, but there’s something depressing about it, when it should be uplifting. Herbert died alone and betrayed by his friend Losson, and how can Losson find true love after being such an irrevocable douche to Herbert? He has to be mad at Herbert because Herbert tried to break them up, and then Herbert dies trying to make amends to Losson—so at least Losson knows that at the end, Herbert still loved Losson. I’m not sure the suicide works. It’s contrary to your theme. The fact that he fails to kill himself doesn’t mean he didn’t choose to. He needs to choose life. You could have him ready to kill himself, then he reconsiders, and then he slips. That way you keep the opening, without shredding your theme.
Section 8: Overall This is a funny script, and you have a great, absurdist air about many of your scenes. It’s important, as you grow in your development as a writer, that you hold yourself to a higher standard. Work toward marrying the theme to the concept to the characters to the desire lines to the story, and then, within that framework, be as funny as you are during the poker game, and you’ll have a great writing sample on your hands. Who knows? Maybe it will be so good, Judi Dench will consent to Shakespearean farts. After all, she was in “Nine”. How high could her standards be?
Section 9: The Next Step My suggestion as you continue to develop this idea is to restructure the story so that it revolves around the friendship between Losson and Herbert. Tie both characters into the theme of “Anything is possible” and play out their entire stories in outline mode. (If you’d like an example of this, let me know.) Then rewrite with those new scenes inserted. Having done that, engage with the set-up a little bit more, (build the bridge,) and deal with why all these old guys are so horny, of if maybe Losson is the only horny one. Those two notes alone, sprinkled throughout the entire screenplay, should substantially improve your next draft. If you still have a little energy, watch all those teen sex comedies like Porkys and American Pie, see what the kids do to get laid, and find an old guy correlation, and see if you can adapt them to your script. Peeking into the girl’s showers, sneaking into the girls’ dorm, etc. How would that translate into your script?
Section 10: Typos This is probably not a comprehensive list, but here are some typos I spotted while reading your work. Please remember, as you get to the submission stage, that your script will be judged by it’s professionalism—formatting and spelling— as well as by the quality of the writing. Pg. 8 – “Hemorrhage” is misspelled. Pg. 22 – “Intoxicated” is misspelled. Pg. 41 – Robert’s line should be “So do you want me to buy you another drink sweetheart?” Also, I would put a comma after “drink.” Commas are often a writers choice, but try to use them, because sometimes your sentences got confusing. Pg. 42 - “Xavier” is misspelled. Pg. 52 – Emily’s line should be “Fine, we’ll go, but Losson and the others are going too.” Pg. 56 – Man #29’s line needs a comma. Pg. 62 – Debbie’s line needs a comma. Pg. 76 – Emily’s line should read “I don’t really wanna talk about him anymore or any guy. Sarah I can’t do this anymore.” Also, I’d recommend a comma after “anymore.” Pg. 89 – Losson’s line at the bottom, there should be a comma after “love first”. Pg. 91 – Action, top of the page “Herbert is sitting at the same table he and Losson wew sitting at before.” Also, regarding style, “Herbert sits at his and Losson’s table.” Pg. 91 – Beth’s line “Well I’m not Herbert am I?” needs a comma. Pg 107 – “Peace Corps” is misspelled.
