IN DEPTH ANALYSIS, $229
These notes were written for Script Quack client to Minshu Tang, for his script, "Deleted." In Depth Analysis addresses 10 Key Areas: Concept, Character, Style, Tone, Theme, Act I, Act II, Act III, Overall and Your Next Step.
All notes are reviewed by all three Script Quack Analysts.
SECTION 1: CONCEPT
This is a very lovely concept, with a lot of charming unique ideas that definitely make your script shine. The idea of a loner being forced to confront his own oddities in order to allow others into his life is very much in the vein of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind or Edward Scissorhands. You have a very compelling story here, and you approach it from a creative angle.
That said, your concept could definitely be refined. Right now, your concept kind of lacks direction for a good portion of the script, and it’s almost entirely because your concept is a little all over the place, and it takes a while to get into.
If you pared it down so that your whole story really focused on Alex trying to fix other people’s problems while avoiding his own, you would have a lot more momentum in your story. We’ll elaborate on this in specific act notes.
All notes are reviewed by all three Script Quack Analysts.
SECTION 1: CONCEPT
This is a very lovely concept, with a lot of charming unique ideas that definitely make your script shine. The idea of a loner being forced to confront his own oddities in order to allow others into his life is very much in the vein of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind or Edward Scissorhands. You have a very compelling story here, and you approach it from a creative angle.
That said, your concept could definitely be refined. Right now, your concept kind of lacks direction for a good portion of the script, and it’s almost entirely because your concept is a little all over the place, and it takes a while to get into.
If you pared it down so that your whole story really focused on Alex trying to fix other people’s problems while avoiding his own, you would have a lot more momentum in your story. We’ll elaborate on this in specific act notes.
SECTION 2: CHARACTERS
You’ve got some beautifully-drawn characters here, with very unique voices and problems and that’s awesome. We have a few suggestions, perhaps the biggest of which is to consider cutting a few of the people in your story so that we have time to really get to know the main cast a little better. Sometimes your script felt disjointed or cluttered because we spent so much time meeting new people and not enough time getting to know them.
Alex – Our biggest problem with Alex is also his greatest charm, so that makes this note a little difficult. But the basic idea is, there aren’t any layers to Alex. He’s a loner and a weirdo, but he wears this all on his sleeve. He never claims to be anything other than what he is, and he never genuinely seems to want to be alone. Alex is like a girl who’s trying to play hard to get but too obviously wants attention from all the boys. His transparency at times is very endearing, but other times it’s a little cringe-worthy to hear Alex repeatedly telling people why he doesn’t want friends.
An easy way to handle this is by relying more on Alex’s quirks and less on his overt confessions of weirdness. For instance, the tape measure of safe distances is brilliant. It so beautifully illustrative of Alex’s problems and the sad ways in which he tries to fix himself. You have a great opportunity to make this script even more creative by keeping up some of these interesting visuals you invent. For instance, when Eddy is talking to Alex, Alex doesn’t have to offer the excuse of his birthday, nor does he need to say he’s not that into hanging out. All that needs to happen is this:
You’ve got some beautifully-drawn characters here, with very unique voices and problems and that’s awesome. We have a few suggestions, perhaps the biggest of which is to consider cutting a few of the people in your story so that we have time to really get to know the main cast a little better. Sometimes your script felt disjointed or cluttered because we spent so much time meeting new people and not enough time getting to know them.
Alex – Our biggest problem with Alex is also his greatest charm, so that makes this note a little difficult. But the basic idea is, there aren’t any layers to Alex. He’s a loner and a weirdo, but he wears this all on his sleeve. He never claims to be anything other than what he is, and he never genuinely seems to want to be alone. Alex is like a girl who’s trying to play hard to get but too obviously wants attention from all the boys. His transparency at times is very endearing, but other times it’s a little cringe-worthy to hear Alex repeatedly telling people why he doesn’t want friends.
An easy way to handle this is by relying more on Alex’s quirks and less on his overt confessions of weirdness. For instance, the tape measure of safe distances is brilliant. It so beautifully illustrative of Alex’s problems and the sad ways in which he tries to fix himself. You have a great opportunity to make this script even more creative by keeping up some of these interesting visuals you invent. For instance, when Eddy is talking to Alex, Alex doesn’t have to offer the excuse of his birthday, nor does he need to say he’s not that into hanging out. All that needs to happen is this:
That’s it. Get out of that Eddy conversation as soon as possible. This is all we need to know, it’s visual, it’s striking and we understand that Alex never goes out with the guys. Cut the rest of this, and you’ve made this moment way more descriptive and unique.
Also, don’t have Alex doing things like giving out donuts just yet. It’s a little cornier than the rest of your script, and it serves your story more if Alex isn’t even this capable of socializing. His notebook is great, and does plenty to show his longing for connection.
Another issue with Alex is that his voice doesn’t change from his young self to his adult self. Obviously, to some degree this is intentional – he has not had the chance to grow up properly. But you also don’t want your whole script to read like a five year is living in a twenty year old’s body. A big way to fix this, which would change your story slightly, is by having Alex distance himself from Murphy. Old Alex should really not have any connections, because that gives him the most room to grow. For instance, the entire conversation he has leading up to Murphy’s death could be much more nuanced and you could consider getting more visually creative. We like the cake in face tradition, but it might need to go in favor of the bigger picture. Instead of having Murphy literally telling Alex, you’re depressed, think about having more subtext here. Try making this Murphy’s celebration (two birthdays is a little much) and that way, Murphy is much more aware of his own mortality. Alex could be giving Murphy his cake, his gifts, and the whole time you have a little graphic of the number of inches Alex is keeping between Murphy and himself. This totally jives with the tone of your film, and would show rather than tell what’s going on. Then, you could show a little number graphic from Alex’s POV of how old Murphy is and how many estimated years he has left to live. Then you could have a conversation where Alex says something like this: "I want you to know, when you die, I'm going to be okay."
Then, bam, cut to the cemetery. Alex seems okay. But he goes home and there’s still some birthday cake left in the fridge. What is he supposed to do with it? He feeds it the squirrels or something, and we see how sad he really is. One of the squirrels gets too close and he runs away. And then cut to Murphy in heaven, swallowing his regret pills as he watches Alex fleeing the squirrels as they eat cake. You don’t need the lines that Murphy has about the pills or any of that. You have such beautiful, stunning images that to water them down with any kind of dialogue or verbal description really brings your script down from a masterpiece to a kind of clever story. On to more characters.
Jojo: Jojo, like Alex, could benefit from not having such telegraphed issues. Make her literally a runner for instance. She puts on her sneakers every morning and runs, and we just never know if she’s going to come back. Let her physically manifest her problems. And maybe show us her tape measure too. She has the same issues as Alex, but when it comes to each other, both their tape measures don’t seem to know what to do.
Also, you can make Jojo way more magnetic throughout. She has instances, like on the roof, and with the Chinese school children. But she can really be constantly on. Everyone wants to be around her. She and Alex should go out more often – let us really see them falling in love, and let us see what she does. Her problem manifests itself in the opposite way from Alex. She talks to everyone, experiences everything, but only briefly and always without real emotional connection. Let us see this in action more, and less in conversation.
Murphy: Murphy is great. But, he, too should be less verbal about his feelings. The vodka explains itself. You have an opportunity to tell us a little more about Murphy when the parents die – whose father is he? How does he feel about kids? Does he want to raise Alex or not? Who has he been close to that left him? His wife? Give Murphy a little more depth, and he’s good to go.
Charlie: Charlie is our absolute favorite side character, and you should definitely have more of him. Again, don’t have him speak his problems. The fact that he’s created these elaborate escapes shows us enough about his issues. Let us see even more of those - right now, Charlie just sort of hits the same note over and over. But escalate the weirdness of his games. First scene, bowling. Don’t reveal time machine until second visit, then try something else – a room he’s painted like a crowded bus station and filled with mannequins – whatever. Something weird and interesting that lets us see something else about him. Who are the mannequins and why are these people important? Charlie is so, so interesting, we definitely want to see in his head more. Also, you can really build some fantastic set pieces based in Charlie’s world. Also, consider having Charlie not even have a computer at first. He just calls service people to talk to him. Then he buys a computer, then he gets viruses – so he always has a reason to keep calling deleted.
Toby and Shawn: We’ve got a pretty bold suggestion about these two, and it’s to cut them. The real story is between Jojo and Alex, and Toby and Shawn just sort of take up space. They don’t really matter to Alex, because they’re not really friends. He’s closer to his clients. Toby and Shawn are kind of funny sometimes, but your story really does need them, and they sort of interfere with the amazing simplicity of the rest of your script. Especially once we start meeting new characters, it’s much cleaner if you just have Alex and Jojo being introduced to the new clients, rather than having four people squeezed into every introductory scene. It’s something to consider – even cutting one of them would help.
Matt and Mary, Susan and Lindsey: These couples are very unique and fun side characters, but we’d love to have them impact the story a little more significantly. And maybe they don’t have happy endings. You know, maybe Matt and Mary don’t want to be together anymore, and that’s what they realize, and that forces Alex to see that sometimes things don’t work out, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth trying. It would be great if these stories were a little grittier, a little more difficult for Alex to deal with, but consequently way more meaningful to him.
Also, don’t have Alex doing things like giving out donuts just yet. It’s a little cornier than the rest of your script, and it serves your story more if Alex isn’t even this capable of socializing. His notebook is great, and does plenty to show his longing for connection.
Another issue with Alex is that his voice doesn’t change from his young self to his adult self. Obviously, to some degree this is intentional – he has not had the chance to grow up properly. But you also don’t want your whole script to read like a five year is living in a twenty year old’s body. A big way to fix this, which would change your story slightly, is by having Alex distance himself from Murphy. Old Alex should really not have any connections, because that gives him the most room to grow. For instance, the entire conversation he has leading up to Murphy’s death could be much more nuanced and you could consider getting more visually creative. We like the cake in face tradition, but it might need to go in favor of the bigger picture. Instead of having Murphy literally telling Alex, you’re depressed, think about having more subtext here. Try making this Murphy’s celebration (two birthdays is a little much) and that way, Murphy is much more aware of his own mortality. Alex could be giving Murphy his cake, his gifts, and the whole time you have a little graphic of the number of inches Alex is keeping between Murphy and himself. This totally jives with the tone of your film, and would show rather than tell what’s going on. Then, you could show a little number graphic from Alex’s POV of how old Murphy is and how many estimated years he has left to live. Then you could have a conversation where Alex says something like this: "I want you to know, when you die, I'm going to be okay."
Then, bam, cut to the cemetery. Alex seems okay. But he goes home and there’s still some birthday cake left in the fridge. What is he supposed to do with it? He feeds it the squirrels or something, and we see how sad he really is. One of the squirrels gets too close and he runs away. And then cut to Murphy in heaven, swallowing his regret pills as he watches Alex fleeing the squirrels as they eat cake. You don’t need the lines that Murphy has about the pills or any of that. You have such beautiful, stunning images that to water them down with any kind of dialogue or verbal description really brings your script down from a masterpiece to a kind of clever story. On to more characters.
Jojo: Jojo, like Alex, could benefit from not having such telegraphed issues. Make her literally a runner for instance. She puts on her sneakers every morning and runs, and we just never know if she’s going to come back. Let her physically manifest her problems. And maybe show us her tape measure too. She has the same issues as Alex, but when it comes to each other, both their tape measures don’t seem to know what to do.
Also, you can make Jojo way more magnetic throughout. She has instances, like on the roof, and with the Chinese school children. But she can really be constantly on. Everyone wants to be around her. She and Alex should go out more often – let us really see them falling in love, and let us see what she does. Her problem manifests itself in the opposite way from Alex. She talks to everyone, experiences everything, but only briefly and always without real emotional connection. Let us see this in action more, and less in conversation.
Murphy: Murphy is great. But, he, too should be less verbal about his feelings. The vodka explains itself. You have an opportunity to tell us a little more about Murphy when the parents die – whose father is he? How does he feel about kids? Does he want to raise Alex or not? Who has he been close to that left him? His wife? Give Murphy a little more depth, and he’s good to go.
Charlie: Charlie is our absolute favorite side character, and you should definitely have more of him. Again, don’t have him speak his problems. The fact that he’s created these elaborate escapes shows us enough about his issues. Let us see even more of those - right now, Charlie just sort of hits the same note over and over. But escalate the weirdness of his games. First scene, bowling. Don’t reveal time machine until second visit, then try something else – a room he’s painted like a crowded bus station and filled with mannequins – whatever. Something weird and interesting that lets us see something else about him. Who are the mannequins and why are these people important? Charlie is so, so interesting, we definitely want to see in his head more. Also, you can really build some fantastic set pieces based in Charlie’s world. Also, consider having Charlie not even have a computer at first. He just calls service people to talk to him. Then he buys a computer, then he gets viruses – so he always has a reason to keep calling deleted.
Toby and Shawn: We’ve got a pretty bold suggestion about these two, and it’s to cut them. The real story is between Jojo and Alex, and Toby and Shawn just sort of take up space. They don’t really matter to Alex, because they’re not really friends. He’s closer to his clients. Toby and Shawn are kind of funny sometimes, but your story really does need them, and they sort of interfere with the amazing simplicity of the rest of your script. Especially once we start meeting new characters, it’s much cleaner if you just have Alex and Jojo being introduced to the new clients, rather than having four people squeezed into every introductory scene. It’s something to consider – even cutting one of them would help.
Matt and Mary, Susan and Lindsey: These couples are very unique and fun side characters, but we’d love to have them impact the story a little more significantly. And maybe they don’t have happy endings. You know, maybe Matt and Mary don’t want to be together anymore, and that’s what they realize, and that forces Alex to see that sometimes things don’t work out, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth trying. It would be great if these stories were a little grittier, a little more difficult for Alex to deal with, but consequently way more meaningful to him.
SECTION 3: THEME
Learning to let others in is certainly a proven cinematic theme. See every romantic comedy ever. That’s good news, though. Not only do you have a solid, marketable theme, you also frame it in a very unique, compelling way. Great job.
SECTION 4: TONE
A lot of people struggle with tone, because there’s this perception that a thing exists that is a “commercial” tone. But the truth is, any tone can be commercial if the script is well-written and the concept is in line with the subject matter and style.
We’re saying this because you might hear from people that your script is not commercial, and some of those people might reference tone. You’ve got a real quirky indie vibe with this script, and it’s not something you should change in an effort to be more marketable. People who are going to appreciate this script will love it for its unique tone and we’d really recommend that you stick with what makes this script stand out.
That said, there are some moments that break the so-called tone. Sometimes on the nose dialogue brings us out of the ephemeral dream world you’ve created, and once in a while you let the melancholy of the script get the better of your writing and the tone goes a little dark or hopeless. Generally the script does such a good job of keeping our spirits afloat in spite of dealing with a lot of lost people and serious events. So just keep an eye out for the times when tone might take a nose dive. Stretch the boundaries of your tone without going too far in either direction, and you'll be good to go.
SECTION 5: STYLE
Your screenplay was very visual, very readable. It definitely stood out from the ocean of more conventional scripts. The dialogue was clever, sometimes hilarious. And the whimsical nature, the magical realism that suffuses the piece, made this a constant surprise. Though I did find the random quality frustrating, I regard this as a structure issue, and not your style, which is pretty flawless.
Also, often times your scenes were far too long. Try cutting the first or last couple lines of dialogue. For instance, take a look at this scene:
Learning to let others in is certainly a proven cinematic theme. See every romantic comedy ever. That’s good news, though. Not only do you have a solid, marketable theme, you also frame it in a very unique, compelling way. Great job.
SECTION 4: TONE
A lot of people struggle with tone, because there’s this perception that a thing exists that is a “commercial” tone. But the truth is, any tone can be commercial if the script is well-written and the concept is in line with the subject matter and style.
We’re saying this because you might hear from people that your script is not commercial, and some of those people might reference tone. You’ve got a real quirky indie vibe with this script, and it’s not something you should change in an effort to be more marketable. People who are going to appreciate this script will love it for its unique tone and we’d really recommend that you stick with what makes this script stand out.
That said, there are some moments that break the so-called tone. Sometimes on the nose dialogue brings us out of the ephemeral dream world you’ve created, and once in a while you let the melancholy of the script get the better of your writing and the tone goes a little dark or hopeless. Generally the script does such a good job of keeping our spirits afloat in spite of dealing with a lot of lost people and serious events. So just keep an eye out for the times when tone might take a nose dive. Stretch the boundaries of your tone without going too far in either direction, and you'll be good to go.
SECTION 5: STYLE
Your screenplay was very visual, very readable. It definitely stood out from the ocean of more conventional scripts. The dialogue was clever, sometimes hilarious. And the whimsical nature, the magical realism that suffuses the piece, made this a constant surprise. Though I did find the random quality frustrating, I regard this as a structure issue, and not your style, which is pretty flawless.
Also, often times your scenes were far too long. Try cutting the first or last couple lines of dialogue. For instance, take a look at this scene:
Try changing it to something like this:
There you go. We already know his rash happens when someone disappears from his life, and this is much funnier and more bizarre if you cut those expositional lines at the beginning of the scene.
Finally, you use shot lists or montages a lot to illustrate a point that we already get. For instance, the whole Jason leaving/ kitten dying/ Batman montage is totally unnecessary. Alex’s parents dying is traumatic enough, we don’t need to see anyone else abandoning him, and frankly, this just slows down your story. Keep us in active, dynamic scenes as much as possible.
SECTION 6: ACT I
Right now our biggest issues with ACT I (which is also our issue with the rest of your script) is that it is a little long and kind of meanders at points. Good news, this is an easy fix. Here are the scenes in your first act right now:
1) Alex waking up
2) Alex at the cemetery
3) Alex and Murphy eating
4) Alex trying to find his parents. At the post office. Travel agency. Grocery store.
5) Murphy telling Alex they're gone.
6) Alex at the doctor.
7) Alex meeting Jason.
8) Nothing lasts forever montage
9) Murphy and ALex on the roof
10) Alex with imaginary doctor
11) Murphy's b-day
12) Murphy's b-day again
13) Six flags - Murphy pays off kids
14) Computer office/bachelor party
15) Feeding squirrels
16) Alex's birthday
17) Cemetery Heaven
18) Living room- drinking with Eric
19) Living room - roommates show up
20) Everyone moving in
21) Jojo and Alex on the roo
22) Alex trying to convince gang to move out
23) Alex and Taxi Driver
24) Alex Getting Fired
25) Alex trying to get a new job
26) Creating 'Deleted'
And that essentially kicks us into Act II. But here's a way Act I might work a bit better...
1) Alex at the cemetery with Murphy – we learn his parents are dead, we open on a really unique scene, we see Murphy drinking, and you cut a bunch of unnecessary stuff.
2) Alex trying to find his parents - this stuff is all really beautiful and sad and heartfelt. It should be Alex's immediate reaction to his parents' departure. At the post office. Travel agency. Grocery store.
3) Murphy telling Alex they're gone. You can definitely keep this scene, but maybe bring it up more organically. Like, Murphy comes to pick Alex up at the grocery after he's detained by security for shoplifting. Then Murhpy has to tell Alex while they're driving home, Alex tries to jump out of the car, and the freak out is much mroe dramatic.
4) Alex at the doctor. Great follow up.
5) Murphy and Alex on the roof. Great scene, amazing visuals.
6) Alex w/ imaginary doctor. Again, amazing scene. Suggestion, have Alex grow up within this scene. It's more organic and serves your story, and then you can segue seamlessly into your next scene...
7) Six flags. Consider changing this to a bar, and Murphy is drinking alone, very sad that Alex still has imaginary friends as and adult, and he's approached by Jojo. Or somehow, try to make their encounter more nautral. Murphy says he's worried about hwat will happen to Alex when he dies, Jojo says she needs a place to stay...boom. Or, consider cutting this scene altogehter. This could work well. That way, Jojo just shows up at Alex's house, we don't know why, and it's a big reveal later that she was hired by Murphy. (these notes are all assuming that TOby and Shawn are no longer in the story, for simplicity's sake. However, the same applies if you decide to keep those characters.)
8) Computer off/bacehlor party - As we suggested earlier, make this scene much shorter and to the hpoint.
9) Murphy's birthday - Again, shorter, more about Alex's distance. And one birthday scene seems more than enough.
10) Cemetery - Murphy's dead. Great cut from the previous scene.
11) Heaven - Graet set up of heaven. Let us see/hear that he's eating biter pills of regret for the first time. Much more impactful.
12) Living Room - driknig with Eric. Great way of shoing his loneliness. Consider shortening this scene.
13) Living Room - Jojo appears in the living room. She's cleaning the coffee maker, or somehow otherwise changing Alex's life already. he thinks she's an imaginary friend at first, but she does something (like kiss him, hit him, something that shows her personality) to prove she isn't. She tells him Murphy owed her money, so she's living here. The whole reent thing doesn't really work, makes Alex seem stupid and others seem mean. Alex hides from Jojo...
14) On teh roof. Where she finds him, convinces him to let her stay.
15) Alex getting fired. You don't need the taxi scene. It's kind of clever but doesn't contribute to your story. Go straight to Alex getting fired, and make it less directly about his loneliness. Give us a visual represenation of why ALex has been failing at work. Like, he's looking at the screen trying to delete viruses, but hte viruss turn into memories of Murhpy and he can't figure out how to delte them.
16) Creating Deleted. Alex tells Jojo he can't find a job anyweher elese, that's all fine and good. But here's where this scene really needs to change - you have to establish some stakes for your hero. Obviously, this isn't a big commercial blockbuster film. It's very muc ha quirky, indie picture and that's awesome. But in order for us to stay interested, there's go to be something Alex has to lose if he dones't make this business work for him. Maybe Murhpy really did have a mountain of debt, and it's up to Alex to pay it of or else he losese Murhpy's house. COnsider this, because you also need something rally important to push Alex into taking this kind of initiatiive, even with Jojo by his side.
Finally, you use shot lists or montages a lot to illustrate a point that we already get. For instance, the whole Jason leaving/ kitten dying/ Batman montage is totally unnecessary. Alex’s parents dying is traumatic enough, we don’t need to see anyone else abandoning him, and frankly, this just slows down your story. Keep us in active, dynamic scenes as much as possible.
SECTION 6: ACT I
Right now our biggest issues with ACT I (which is also our issue with the rest of your script) is that it is a little long and kind of meanders at points. Good news, this is an easy fix. Here are the scenes in your first act right now:
1) Alex waking up
2) Alex at the cemetery
3) Alex and Murphy eating
4) Alex trying to find his parents. At the post office. Travel agency. Grocery store.
5) Murphy telling Alex they're gone.
6) Alex at the doctor.
7) Alex meeting Jason.
8) Nothing lasts forever montage
9) Murphy and ALex on the roof
10) Alex with imaginary doctor
11) Murphy's b-day
12) Murphy's b-day again
13) Six flags - Murphy pays off kids
14) Computer office/bachelor party
15) Feeding squirrels
16) Alex's birthday
17) Cemetery Heaven
18) Living room- drinking with Eric
19) Living room - roommates show up
20) Everyone moving in
21) Jojo and Alex on the roo
22) Alex trying to convince gang to move out
23) Alex and Taxi Driver
24) Alex Getting Fired
25) Alex trying to get a new job
26) Creating 'Deleted'
And that essentially kicks us into Act II. But here's a way Act I might work a bit better...
1) Alex at the cemetery with Murphy – we learn his parents are dead, we open on a really unique scene, we see Murphy drinking, and you cut a bunch of unnecessary stuff.
2) Alex trying to find his parents - this stuff is all really beautiful and sad and heartfelt. It should be Alex's immediate reaction to his parents' departure. At the post office. Travel agency. Grocery store.
3) Murphy telling Alex they're gone. You can definitely keep this scene, but maybe bring it up more organically. Like, Murphy comes to pick Alex up at the grocery after he's detained by security for shoplifting. Then Murhpy has to tell Alex while they're driving home, Alex tries to jump out of the car, and the freak out is much mroe dramatic.
4) Alex at the doctor. Great follow up.
5) Murphy and Alex on the roof. Great scene, amazing visuals.
6) Alex w/ imaginary doctor. Again, amazing scene. Suggestion, have Alex grow up within this scene. It's more organic and serves your story, and then you can segue seamlessly into your next scene...
7) Six flags. Consider changing this to a bar, and Murphy is drinking alone, very sad that Alex still has imaginary friends as and adult, and he's approached by Jojo. Or somehow, try to make their encounter more nautral. Murphy says he's worried about hwat will happen to Alex when he dies, Jojo says she needs a place to stay...boom. Or, consider cutting this scene altogehter. This could work well. That way, Jojo just shows up at Alex's house, we don't know why, and it's a big reveal later that she was hired by Murphy. (these notes are all assuming that TOby and Shawn are no longer in the story, for simplicity's sake. However, the same applies if you decide to keep those characters.)
8) Computer off/bacehlor party - As we suggested earlier, make this scene much shorter and to the hpoint.
9) Murphy's birthday - Again, shorter, more about Alex's distance. And one birthday scene seems more than enough.
10) Cemetery - Murphy's dead. Great cut from the previous scene.
11) Heaven - Graet set up of heaven. Let us see/hear that he's eating biter pills of regret for the first time. Much more impactful.
12) Living Room - driknig with Eric. Great way of shoing his loneliness. Consider shortening this scene.
13) Living Room - Jojo appears in the living room. She's cleaning the coffee maker, or somehow otherwise changing Alex's life already. he thinks she's an imaginary friend at first, but she does something (like kiss him, hit him, something that shows her personality) to prove she isn't. She tells him Murphy owed her money, so she's living here. The whole reent thing doesn't really work, makes Alex seem stupid and others seem mean. Alex hides from Jojo...
14) On teh roof. Where she finds him, convinces him to let her stay.
15) Alex getting fired. You don't need the taxi scene. It's kind of clever but doesn't contribute to your story. Go straight to Alex getting fired, and make it less directly about his loneliness. Give us a visual represenation of why ALex has been failing at work. Like, he's looking at the screen trying to delete viruses, but hte viruss turn into memories of Murhpy and he can't figure out how to delte them.
16) Creating Deleted. Alex tells Jojo he can't find a job anyweher elese, that's all fine and good. But here's where this scene really needs to change - you have to establish some stakes for your hero. Obviously, this isn't a big commercial blockbuster film. It's very muc ha quirky, indie picture and that's awesome. But in order for us to stay interested, there's go to be something Alex has to lose if he dones't make this business work for him. Maybe Murhpy really did have a mountain of debt, and it's up to Alex to pay it of or else he losese Murhpy's house. COnsider this, because you also need something rally important to push Alex into taking this kind of initiatiive, even with Jojo by his side.
SECTION 7: ACT II
Act II is filled with great characters, interesting set pieces, and a really unique love story. Now, if you can manage to infuse those elements with more of a story (and some subtext), you’re really going to have a great script. Cut the craigslist scene, or consider replacing it with one in which Jojo and Alex try to figure out how to market themselves. Then, have them both waiting by the phone. It rings, false alarm. It rings again, false alarm. It rings again, Alex answers thinking it’s a false alarm, his eyes wide, cut to them on the street. This is basically what you have, it works, but there needs to be more tension, more desperation in order for us to care about this business. Then, seriously consider cutting the tamale woman and the montage and going straight to Matt and Mary. Your story is about characters and you want to let us get to those characters as soon as possible. Also, consider amping up the conflict in and around this scene. Matt and Mary are so weird, and they keep getting too close to Alex – his tape measure is going haywire and he keeps seeing that Matt and Mary themselves have viruses and he’s overwhelmed by his own inability to delete them. So he tells Jojo after this that he can’t do this anymore, but then they get the call from Lindsey and Susan, and Jojo convinces Alex it will be okay, this won’t be nearly as stressful. But then Susan and Lindsey want Alex and Jojo to officiate their wedding, and Jojo has to be all for this, not Alex. She’s that type, and he can’t be ready for this kind of socialization yet.
The wedding is great, but it kind of messes with the pacing of your act. Consider making it a lot shorter, and having it be more about Jojo and Alex. Then, right in the middle of their discussion of love, have them get a call from a client who says it’s an emergency. So they have to leave the wedding to go meet CHARLIE! Our favorite. Now, Charlie can definitely be even crazier. He’s to call them only when he’s on the verge of a total meltdown – overtaken by his own ‘viruses.’ Step by step, Jojo and Alex help Charlie reestablish a connection with the outside world. First they get him a computer, then they show him how to talk to strangers on the internet, which means a lot to him. Or something like this.
Launch us into Jojo and Alex’s planned love affair much earlier, and make it more about the fact that they want to experience love but are not really in love yet – make it about them falling in love while going through the motions. That’s the meat of your story, and it should be really carrying us through this act. Let us see specifically how they’re rushing through their love. Show us a staged sex scene, a staged proposal, a staged breakup and reunion. You can literally put this on a stage if you want – really push the boundaries with this script, you have the skills and the imagination, clearly, so really explore. We love the parallel scene in which they’re pretending to be Matt and Mary, and you can do tons of creative stuff like that.
We love the everything stew and the idea that Alex finally has someone to nurture him as he’s always needed. Let us see more of what Alex does for Jojo. Show us how he fixes some of her problems, so we know that she really is better off with him than without him. It’s gotta be totally mutual.
Love the scenes with Eric, you could consider giving Jojo an imaginary friend as well.
Even if you don’t cut Toby and Shawn, avoid scenes like the one where they discuss how obvious it is that Alex is in love. It really diminishes the ethereal, magical quality of this script, and of Alex and Jojo’s relationship. Keep this as much between Alex and Jojo, and as unspoken as possible. The contrast of their fake love affair (which should begin on the pretense that they are NOT in love) to their real burgeoning passion is an amazing juxtaposition, and the subtler that is, the better. You could even do something like, several scenes after Jojo has told the story about her mother turning into a blueberry, have the scene where Jojo realizes she’s in love with Alex, and she turns blue. That’s such a creative visual, and your script is begging for moments like this.
We like what you do with the airport scene, and how you challenge that convention. It’s great that Alex fixates on her shoes, but instead of going back to Toby and Shawn, he should go back to Eric – Eric is his real demon, and that’s the important thing to focus on right now.
Shorten the section when Alex and Jojo are apart. It’s far too long, and not enough happens. Put scenes like the shoe-throwing, and more of the client interactions before Jojo’s departure, and let us see Alex and Jojo really coming apart. Let us see her tape measure telling her she needs to be ten thousand miles away. Build to her leaving, and reflect that in how the clients are also succumbing to their own weaknesses. Let us see Charlie destroy his time machine, or his room of mannequins. Let us see Matt glued to the spot where his boulder used to be, and no one can move him. And through all this, let us see how it wears on Jojo and Alex.
Shorten Jojo’s time in China – just one scene maybe, where she learns the lesson she needs to and then moves on. And really use the Alex/Charlie scene to show how forlorn Alex is without Jojo. Amp up their despair when they’re apart. Alex should think Charlie has died before there’s even a whiff of Jojo’s return. Everything goes wrong without her. But then he finds Charlie alive and that launches us into…
SECTION 8: ACT III
We’re not totally sure if your Act III starts when Jojo returns to America or when she and Alex meet up again, but there’s a way to fix that – combine the two. Jojo’s return for his mother’s death just does not work if Alex isn’t involved. It’s such a huge event and such a huge part of her psyche that we really really need to see our two main characters reunited at this point. And it’s totally possible. He shows up at the cemetery again, and tells her about the tomb-port and how Murphy said it was the fastest way to heaven. He tells her how he kept trying to find his parents, and it’s all very moving, and a great payoff for the previous cemetery scenes.
Don’t have all the Shawn/ Toby stuff as a buffer between Jojo and Alex here, even if you keep them as characters. Just go straight to Jojo asking for him to love her again. He’s about to say yes, when Eric points to her sneakers in the background, and then he says no.
Cut all the setup with the key to the house and stuff, and just have Alex finding all the souvenirs around the house. This is great, moving, charming stuff.
Then cut all of Alex’s running around trying to learn about Jojo. Cut his tea party with Susan and Lindsey, cut all of that. It slows your story way down, and all we need is to see him rushing to find her on Chinese New Year and begging her forgiveness. There shouldn’t be in any lapse in his decision to go get her and the action of him going after her.
Have him buy his sneakers, and run to the bar in his sneakers, and when she asks why he’s showing up at the last minute, he says he was buying running shoes so he can keep up with her wherever she goes (this is a great moment, definitely preserve it) and then everything can play out as it is. Alex can even still give the speech about her, we don’t need to know how he learned about her, we can assume it’s from her.
Our last suggestion is to consider making something like this the last scene:
Act II is filled with great characters, interesting set pieces, and a really unique love story. Now, if you can manage to infuse those elements with more of a story (and some subtext), you’re really going to have a great script. Cut the craigslist scene, or consider replacing it with one in which Jojo and Alex try to figure out how to market themselves. Then, have them both waiting by the phone. It rings, false alarm. It rings again, false alarm. It rings again, Alex answers thinking it’s a false alarm, his eyes wide, cut to them on the street. This is basically what you have, it works, but there needs to be more tension, more desperation in order for us to care about this business. Then, seriously consider cutting the tamale woman and the montage and going straight to Matt and Mary. Your story is about characters and you want to let us get to those characters as soon as possible. Also, consider amping up the conflict in and around this scene. Matt and Mary are so weird, and they keep getting too close to Alex – his tape measure is going haywire and he keeps seeing that Matt and Mary themselves have viruses and he’s overwhelmed by his own inability to delete them. So he tells Jojo after this that he can’t do this anymore, but then they get the call from Lindsey and Susan, and Jojo convinces Alex it will be okay, this won’t be nearly as stressful. But then Susan and Lindsey want Alex and Jojo to officiate their wedding, and Jojo has to be all for this, not Alex. She’s that type, and he can’t be ready for this kind of socialization yet.
The wedding is great, but it kind of messes with the pacing of your act. Consider making it a lot shorter, and having it be more about Jojo and Alex. Then, right in the middle of their discussion of love, have them get a call from a client who says it’s an emergency. So they have to leave the wedding to go meet CHARLIE! Our favorite. Now, Charlie can definitely be even crazier. He’s to call them only when he’s on the verge of a total meltdown – overtaken by his own ‘viruses.’ Step by step, Jojo and Alex help Charlie reestablish a connection with the outside world. First they get him a computer, then they show him how to talk to strangers on the internet, which means a lot to him. Or something like this.
Launch us into Jojo and Alex’s planned love affair much earlier, and make it more about the fact that they want to experience love but are not really in love yet – make it about them falling in love while going through the motions. That’s the meat of your story, and it should be really carrying us through this act. Let us see specifically how they’re rushing through their love. Show us a staged sex scene, a staged proposal, a staged breakup and reunion. You can literally put this on a stage if you want – really push the boundaries with this script, you have the skills and the imagination, clearly, so really explore. We love the parallel scene in which they’re pretending to be Matt and Mary, and you can do tons of creative stuff like that.
We love the everything stew and the idea that Alex finally has someone to nurture him as he’s always needed. Let us see more of what Alex does for Jojo. Show us how he fixes some of her problems, so we know that she really is better off with him than without him. It’s gotta be totally mutual.
Love the scenes with Eric, you could consider giving Jojo an imaginary friend as well.
Even if you don’t cut Toby and Shawn, avoid scenes like the one where they discuss how obvious it is that Alex is in love. It really diminishes the ethereal, magical quality of this script, and of Alex and Jojo’s relationship. Keep this as much between Alex and Jojo, and as unspoken as possible. The contrast of their fake love affair (which should begin on the pretense that they are NOT in love) to their real burgeoning passion is an amazing juxtaposition, and the subtler that is, the better. You could even do something like, several scenes after Jojo has told the story about her mother turning into a blueberry, have the scene where Jojo realizes she’s in love with Alex, and she turns blue. That’s such a creative visual, and your script is begging for moments like this.
We like what you do with the airport scene, and how you challenge that convention. It’s great that Alex fixates on her shoes, but instead of going back to Toby and Shawn, he should go back to Eric – Eric is his real demon, and that’s the important thing to focus on right now.
Shorten the section when Alex and Jojo are apart. It’s far too long, and not enough happens. Put scenes like the shoe-throwing, and more of the client interactions before Jojo’s departure, and let us see Alex and Jojo really coming apart. Let us see her tape measure telling her she needs to be ten thousand miles away. Build to her leaving, and reflect that in how the clients are also succumbing to their own weaknesses. Let us see Charlie destroy his time machine, or his room of mannequins. Let us see Matt glued to the spot where his boulder used to be, and no one can move him. And through all this, let us see how it wears on Jojo and Alex.
Shorten Jojo’s time in China – just one scene maybe, where she learns the lesson she needs to and then moves on. And really use the Alex/Charlie scene to show how forlorn Alex is without Jojo. Amp up their despair when they’re apart. Alex should think Charlie has died before there’s even a whiff of Jojo’s return. Everything goes wrong without her. But then he finds Charlie alive and that launches us into…
SECTION 8: ACT III
We’re not totally sure if your Act III starts when Jojo returns to America or when she and Alex meet up again, but there’s a way to fix that – combine the two. Jojo’s return for his mother’s death just does not work if Alex isn’t involved. It’s such a huge event and such a huge part of her psyche that we really really need to see our two main characters reunited at this point. And it’s totally possible. He shows up at the cemetery again, and tells her about the tomb-port and how Murphy said it was the fastest way to heaven. He tells her how he kept trying to find his parents, and it’s all very moving, and a great payoff for the previous cemetery scenes.
Don’t have all the Shawn/ Toby stuff as a buffer between Jojo and Alex here, even if you keep them as characters. Just go straight to Jojo asking for him to love her again. He’s about to say yes, when Eric points to her sneakers in the background, and then he says no.
Cut all the setup with the key to the house and stuff, and just have Alex finding all the souvenirs around the house. This is great, moving, charming stuff.
Then cut all of Alex’s running around trying to learn about Jojo. Cut his tea party with Susan and Lindsey, cut all of that. It slows your story way down, and all we need is to see him rushing to find her on Chinese New Year and begging her forgiveness. There shouldn’t be in any lapse in his decision to go get her and the action of him going after her.
Have him buy his sneakers, and run to the bar in his sneakers, and when she asks why he’s showing up at the last minute, he says he was buying running shoes so he can keep up with her wherever she goes (this is a great moment, definitely preserve it) and then everything can play out as it is. Alex can even still give the speech about her, we don’t need to know how he learned about her, we can assume it’s from her.
Our last suggestion is to consider making something like this the last scene:
That’s such a strong, powerful ending line, but you go on a bit too long after this. I would really urge you to consider ending it here!
SECTION 9: OVERALL
This is definitely one of the more creative, inventive, interesting script we’ve read. With a little more story and a lot more subtext, it could be absolutely brilliant. It’s funny, and there are some amazing little gems of dialogue in here. We love the characters, the situations, and the ideas (especially the tape measure, the time machine, and other visual elements). With so many predictable, run of the mill comedies out there, it’s nice to read something so fresh and offbeat. Well done!
SECTION 10: NEXT STEP NOTES
Here are some suggestions to help you focus your rewrite, to help to get your script to the next level.
SECTION 9: OVERALL
This is definitely one of the more creative, inventive, interesting script we’ve read. With a little more story and a lot more subtext, it could be absolutely brilliant. It’s funny, and there are some amazing little gems of dialogue in here. We love the characters, the situations, and the ideas (especially the tape measure, the time machine, and other visual elements). With so many predictable, run of the mill comedies out there, it’s nice to read something so fresh and offbeat. Well done!
SECTION 10: NEXT STEP NOTES
Here are some suggestions to help you focus your rewrite, to help to get your script to the next level.
- Think about your first act (and the rest of your script) in terms of pacing and character. Give us more momentum in the opening scenes, and really focus on your story and the stakes.
- Insert subtext wherever possible (or, more appropriately, DELETE on-the-nose or telegraphed dialogue). Use visuals to show, not tell, as often as you can. Alex can still wear his problems like a badge, but he doesn’t have to be so verbal all the time.
- Try to eliminate repeated beats. Escalate each time Alex and Jojo visit a client, and escalate Alex and Jojo’s relationship. Let us see more of its development and its decline.
- Ask yourself, especially in act 2, when you can replace a talky scene with a visual moment or when the conversation can be about something other than what’s happening. Also, question the purpose of every scene. Does it move the story? Does it bring our characters closer together?
- Make sure your third act is as concise as possible. You want this to be your grand finale, so don’t draw it out. You have all the elements of a moving, unique final act, so use them.
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